working on it

Today I am going to talk about yesterday and then a little about today. Yesterday I had to take the kids to the babysitter. They really do not go very often, but I prepared them for it and explained that I would be leaving them and be back in a little while and while they were there, they were expected to follow the rules and listen to the babysitter. Desmond was excited about all the toys there and he ran off to play. Delilah had fallen asleep and I gently put her down to continue napping. I went off and did my thing. When I got back Desmond was so happy to see me. He gave me a huge hug and said MOm! You came back. I told him, of course I came back, I would never leave you, I will always come back for you. He was so loving the rest of the day. He was kind, he listened. We had to go to the store and although I had tried earlier with them (which was a disaster) This time was different. I was patient, he was listening. I went and bought him a little toy because he was so good and he has been begging for a new toy since the Christmas flyers started coming out. When it was time to put them to bed, Desmond gave me a really big hug and said I love you Mom. I told him how much i loved him and how proud I was that he had listened so well, and that he was such a sweet boy. He kissed Delilah on the head and said I love you Delilah, goodnight. It melted my heart. I am so grateful for my kind, sweet little boy. I am so lucky that the depths of his love know, no bounds and I am contributing to his view of the world. I lay down on my bed, my heart BURSTING with love. Just so full of the beauty of the wonderful boy I created. He grew in me and was born from me. He was created out of love and I hope he continues to express love in his thoughts and actions to his family and the world. I mediated for a long time before falling asleep. I touched the love in my heart while I cleared my mind and embraced the peace that came over me. Today Desmond asked me why I dropped him off. I explained to him that I had to go do some things and there were no kids allowed. The look on his face said it all. He was sad, and he felt scared, and he didn't understand. I asked him if he had fun at the babysitter and if he played with the other kids, he said he did but he told me he missed me when i was gone. Heart.breaking. My kids are BABIES. They still know practically nothing. He was scared I was not going to come back. I gave him sooo many hugs and explained to him that I would never leave and not come back. I will always come back for him no matter what so he never had to be scared of that. So again for the second time in two days I have felt an awakening, something deep inside that suddenly understands more then I thought was possible. i have struggled, hated, and dispised parenting. I have been making myself feel guilty and inferior and like i am not good enough. But to my kids I am IT. there is no good enough, there is a Mom making them safe, loving them, picking them up when they fall, encouraging them, and letting them become who they are meant to be. and I MUST value that. even when the day sucks, or I am cranky or I feel like yelling at them. I have to remember they are learning everything from me. from our family. and it's my job to do my best. And sometimes i might not, but i can admit and talk and we can learn together. Gosh it's really hit me in the last couple of days how short this time is, how deep, how very deep my love for these two beautiful human beings go, and how hard i am going to work to nurture them. Now I also must say I am so very grateful for my beautiful husband, partner and constant rock. I am so very lucky.